Just over three years ago, I was sitting having a bowl of soup in my parents’ kitchen. Everything was normal. The biggest problem I had that day was a hellish report I had to write for uni. But then my Mum shouted to my Dad for help, and said she wasn’t feeling well. Within less than a minute we’d called an ambulance and she was off to hospital.

She died eleven days later, on my 22nd birthday. It was a fucking nightmare.

It was the weirdest, most surreal experience of my life. It’s kind of as if I blacked out, because I can barely remember the first five or six months following her death.

But of course there are some things I can recall easily, including the help and support I received from friends and family. Most of it was good, a lot of it was great, and unfortunately some of it was bloody useless.

If somebody you know has just lost someone special and you don’t know what the fuck to do, start by reading this. I am here to help. I’m going to draw on my own experience to provide a guide of what to do and (perhaps more importantly) what not to do.

The things I mention won’t all apply exclusively to situations in which a person has died. The grieving process often begins before a death, for example when somebody is told that their loved one’s illness is terminal. It’s also good to remember that experiences such as ending a relationship, suffering a miscarriage, or even losing a job will result in feelings of grief. So, this advice probably applies to more situations than you may realise.

Please note that I am going to have to generalise a lot here. Everyone is different. Every loss is different. Everyone is going to crave support in their own unique way. You need to think carefully about the grieving person as an individual, and avoid simply doing whatever you think is right or appropriate.

Also keep in mind that I am a Brit, and all around the world, people grieve differently . The things I write may make very little sense when applied to your culture.

This is not meant to be a step-by-step guide that should be followed in any exact fashion. Treat it more as a guide to the issues you should consider, and tailor the advice I give to suit the individual needs of your grieving friend or loved one.

So let’s get going. Here’s how to support someone who is grieving…

1. Respect Privacy 

This may seem like common sense, but you’d be surprised how many people just cannot stay away. 

It’s a tough situation. You don’t want to be hounding the grieving person, you don’t want to be ringing their doorbell all day or calling them relentlessly. But you do want to make it as clear as possible that you are there for your friend whenever they need you. It’s hard, but you have to do your best to strike the right balance.

Many people feel that they should go and visit the bereaved as soon as possible, to pay their respects in person. While every situation is different, generally speaking I would advise against this. Unless you’re a very close friend, keep your distance for a little while. They are going to be exhausted, and won’t be able to tolerate company in the way they usually do. You may feel like you’re being a bit impersonal or even rude, but it really is best to start by sending a card, flowers, or even just a thoughtful text message.

This is what I’d do: I’d write a supportive and loving message, free of any annoying clichés (more about those later!). At the end I would say something like “I don’t want to intrude or disturb you by turning up at the house in person, so I’ll leave you to relax in peace for now. But I’m here whenever you need me.” This is an easy way to show that you respect their space and privacy, but that you’re thinking of them and you’re ready to help.

2. Offer to do Something Specific to Help 

When you suffer a significant loss, you are bombarded with messages of sympathy.

They almost all go something like this:

“I am so, so sorry for your loss. I can’t believe it. Sending love to you and the rest of the family. If there is anything I can do to help let me know xxx”

There is nothing wrong with a message like this. It’s perfectly nice. But if you really want to help, it’s better to make a specific offer that encourages a yes or no answer.

Try something more like this:

“I am so, so sorry for your loss. I can’t believe it. Sending love to you and the rest of the family. I’m here to help whenever you need anything. Would you like me to come by and walk the dogs for you tomorrow morning? I can bring you some groceries while I’m at it. Let me know xxx”

A message like this makes it so much easier for the bereaved person to reach out and ask for the things they really do need. If you send something more like the first message, you’re unlikely to get more than a polite message of thanks in return.

Offering to do something practical is brilliant, as the earliest stages of grief tend to be chaotic. People usually struggle to function properly when they’re in such distress, so offers involving food are particularly useful, as well as offers of help with laundry and household chores. Another nice idea might be to send the bereaved a small gift that will help them to relax and sleep, such as an aromatherapy candle or some soothing herbal tea.

3. Choose your Words Wisely 

When somebody dies, or when anything happens that is in any way tragic, people say some unbelievably stupid shit. You can’t always blame them. People feel nervous, awkward, and unsure of the right thing to say.

My first tip here is to avoid the use of clichés. For example, if somebody is going through a difficult break-up, is it really useful for them to hear you say something like “don’t worry, there’s plenty more fish in the sea!”? No. They don’t give a fuck how many fish there are in the sea right now. They love(d) that fish. They wanted that fish. They’ve just lost their fish. The only fish for them.

When it comes to death, avoid all those ridiculous clichés involving angels, and don’t talk shit about how this was “God’s will” or how “everything happens for a reason”.

It’s also important to keep your language realistic. Never downplay the fact that something bad really is happening (or already has happened). When my Mum was dying, one of my friends got this part seriously wrong. I would message her with updates and she would say things like “Stay positive, I’m sure everything will be fine!”. But that quite simply was not the case, and I knew it. My Mother was in intensive care, and she was either going to die or live the rest of her life with severe disabilities. How was denying that supposed to help me? Allow your grieving friend to talk about what they’re afraid of, and if they tell you something and you think to yourself “That’s fucking awful!”, say that to them! Be authentic.

You are going to want to show your friend that you can relate to what they’re going through, so it’s good to talk about your own experiences of loss during any heart to hearts. However, be sure not to make any false comparisons. Losing your Granddad to old age is not the same as losing your teenage brother to suicide. Losing your Mother when you’re 55 is not the same as losing her when you’re 17. You get my point. Of course these are still horrible losses, but they’re different.

I have one final thing to mention here. I can’t believe I actually have to write this, but I do. I have to include it because somebody in my extended family was moronic enough to do this. Never, EVER go down the “what if?” road.

When my Mum died, my Uncle started talking all this bollocks about how time had been wasted at the hospital doing this and that, and how things could have been different if such- and-such a thing had happened. Even if what he’d said had any truth to it (it absolutely did not, by the way), why ON EARTH would you say something like that? Saying something like that is not going to bring a person back from the dead, it’s just going to make their loved ones feel even more devastated than they already do.

I think the number one thing to keep in mind here is that if you’re really not sure what to say, just remember that LESS IS MORE. Keep it short and sweet, thoughtful and genuine.

 

4. Continue to be there for them AFTER the Funeral 

When somebody dies, the family receive an incredible amount of love and support in the immediate aftermath. A week after my Mum passed away, our house looked like a Florist. We were drowning in white lilies and the amount of letters coming through the door was kind of like the bit in Harry Potter when the Dursleys won’t let the poor kid open his invitation to Hogwarts. This is probably what it’s like for most families…I certainly hope so!

But once the funeral is over, people tend to disappear fairly quickly. Not everyone, but a lot of people.

What you need to remember is that most people are in such a state of shock at their loss that the most painful parts of the grieving process don’t begin until long after the funeral. The worst is yet to come, they have only just boarded the train and they are never getting off.

Do not disappear. Be the best friend you can be. Continue to support them for as long as they need.

 

5. Keep Talking about the Dead Person

There is nothing worse than when somebody acts of if the person you’ve lost never existed. Don’t get all awkward when dead people come up in conversation, it doesn’t automatically mean that the discussion is going to become sad or depressing.  If you didn’t know them, ask questions about what they were like and what they meant to the bereaved.  If you did know them, share old photographs, share funny stories, share happy memories. Celebrate them.

 

6. Seek Advice!

If you’re not sure how to support somebody who is grieving, seek advice.

This is the time to call your Granny! Older people are going to be very useful here. You’ll need guidance from somebody with more life experience than you, and more specifically, somebody with a decent amount of experience of death.

Reach out to those who are closer to the bereaved than you are for advice on how you might be able to help.

Read blog posts such as this one!

7. Don’t Worry too Much if You Get it Wrong

If you get some of the things we’ve discussed in this post wrong, it’s not the end of the world. The vast majority of people are going to understand that you’re doing your best and that you care.

If they have a dark sense of humour (like me), it will matter even less.

Some of the shit people said to me just before/after my Mum’s death was FUCKING HILARIOUS. My favourite was when I told me ex-boyfriend that we were going to have to switch off the life support machine because there was absolutely no chance that my Mum was going to survive. He was like “Oh my God, I’m so sorry. Will she be able to wake up for a couple of seconds to say goodbye?”. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. It may have happened on one of the worst days of my life, but that is one of the funniest things I have ever heard. My ex fucked up a bit by asking a stupid question, but it didn’t matter at all because I got a laugh.

But even if you’re dealing with the most serious person you’ve ever met, don’t get too worried. There is almost certainly going to be somebody who says or does something more stupid or useless than you! Just keep doing your best.

What advice do you have for supporting somebody who is grieving? Does anyone have any funny stories of stupid things people have said or done at a time like this? Let’s discuss in the comments.

I hope this post is helpful in some way. And if it’s you who’s grieving, I’m sorry for your loss.

Lots of love xxx